


When the Light Turns Amber

by Sydney563



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015), supercorp - Fandom
Genre: Endgame Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, F/F, Kara is angry, Kara needs a hug, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Protective Kara Danvers, The Author Regrets Nothing, lena needs a hug, the season finale i'd like to see, two idiots in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:02:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24243235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sydney563/pseuds/Sydney563
Summary: This one shot is what i'd write after Lena apologizes and what Kara could be thinking. It's rainy and i'm tired and my music choices today made for interesting inspiration. I'm not good at the summary for this one, so read on and enjoy as i watch killing eve. Also, if you like this, check out my other supercorp fics for more angst and things! forgive any mistakes, i wrote this in two hours and just steamed on through! This is from Kara's POV
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 8
Kudos: 277





	When the Light Turns Amber

She walked out of my apartment. Head tilted down ever so slightly, I was the only one in the room who noticed it. Lena never held her head down, it was always held high. Wrong or right, she never showed weakness, and I always wondered if that was a result of living with Lillian for years. You didn’t dare give that woman an inch to crawl, you always had to keep your eye on her. But I noticed, I noticed the sagging shoulders, the looking away as Alex spoke, the clenching and unclenching of her hands. I noticed everything about Lena, I always did when she was in a room with me. I should’ve been paying more attention to the plan, but I couldn’t. Not with Lena in the room, a mere few feet away from me. Stealing glances at me every other word Alex spoke, as if I was something forbidden for her eyes to land on. And yet, she was lighting up every single one of my senses, and I wanted her to look dead on at me. I wanted her to do anything to fight this anger inside of me.

I tried so hard to ignore her, hold onto the anger and focus on the task at hand. I was still upset with her, the constant back and forth. The constant fight over who could break who’s heart more, and the dagger laden words thrown without care. I tried, I tried so damn hard to be there while she processed her hurt and betrayal, all along the way, baring my heart open to the worst pain I’d ever experienced. Including the time I was poisoned with Kryptonite. In time, I had to let go of that fraying rope and pray for the stormy seas between us to show me the way.

But even as my jaw twitched, and my fingers dug into my sides as I crossed my arms, it was so hard not to move closer until our shoulders touched. Lay a hand on the small of her back, offering that soft pressure to let her know she wasn’t alone. It took all of my strength not to wrap her in a hug as she begged for forgiveness she never had to ask for. I’d forgiven her the second she gave me that soft look and her eyes filled with tears. I held my ground, for once in my life with Lena Luthor, I held my ground and it hurt. Somewhere between all the fights, I found I still needed her. I know deep down it wasn’t in her plan to hurt me, it was just the cycle of life living with human emotions. Humans, and me, do stupid things when we’re in love and can’t quantify it, hold it like a solid rock and attach meaning to it. Love was an amorphous figment of something I’d yet to understand, and loving Lena Luthor like I do, I compared it to a black hole I’d happily thrown my heart into. There were times Lena pulled me so deep into her orbit, I saw no other light than hers, hidden behind her full smile and bright green eyes.

“Kara? Did you zone out on me?” Alex’s voice snapped me out of my Lena haze. She gave me a secret sister look, glancing at Lena before she squinted at me. “You had that glazed look, you can get snacks if it’ll keep you focused.”

I shook my head, plucking at the edge of my shirt. “I’m fine. Please continue. Your idea about using Non Nocere after Lena has altered the programming could work. Lex is obsessed.”

Alex raised her eyebrows. “Wow, you were listening. Usually when you’re boring holes in the floor, you’re thinking about pizza.” She smiled at the chuckles, mouthing to me if I was okay.

I gave her a curt nod, when I heard a small voice to my right.

“Kara hears everything. It’s one of her many incredible traits. Being an attentive listener.” Lena spoke softly, tipping her head down, looking at the floor. I watched her knuckles turn white, her hands were curled so tightly in on themselves. I chanced at look at her, turning away a second before her eyes locked on mine.

I waved Alex on. “Keep talking, Alex. The sooner we plan, the sooner this can be over.”

And the sooner I could stew in my thoughts about Lena and what all this meant. If my love was clouding my vision of her, and if she was here at her own will. My unbending trust in her had been shaken in the last few weeks, and it felt like a rotten penny in my mouth. Bitter and hard to swallow.

As Alex continued on, I did my best to pay attention. Throwing my two cents in here and there, but I was once again sucked away by her perfume, attacking all of my senses. I had to take a step away from her to breathe and force my heart to relax.

And in that one step, I heard her heart skip, flutter a few beats and I knew what that meant. Her heart always did that when she was sad. As if it was gasping for air when she couldn’t.

My jaw clenched as that sound worked its way into my chest and pulled at my heart like desperate hands, begging for me to listen and fix it. I bit the inside of my cheek hard enough, it almost brought tears to my eyes, and stayed strong.

But then my mind decided to take a trip down memory lane and remember. The lunches, the coffee dates, the movie nights, game nights, the smiles, the hugs, the unwavering faith she had in me, the trust she placed in my hands. Trusting me enough to tell me things I knew were never spoken aloud in her voice, trusting me enough to fall asleep, curled up into my side after indulging in a silly movie I’d chosen. The looks, as if she could see right through me, right at Kara. Not the reporter, not the cape wearing hero, or the goofy sister. She saw me. A version of me I wondered would ever existed if it wasn’t for her. And the love she dug up in the bottom of a soul I thought lost the day my planet died. A love I’d shoved away because I was too damaged to be loved, cared for, or understood by someone other than family.

I snapped out of it in time to catch Alex standing up, smiling. “Okay, let’s do this.”

The room murmured in agreement and everyone started filing out of my apartment. Lena had moved away to speak with Nia as Alex walked over to me.

“Are you okay?” She glanced at Lena. “I could hear your jaw creaking like our old bedroom door.” She gently took my elbow, guiding me to the silly curtain I used as a door to my room. “Lena looks like a sad wet puppy and you look like you’re about to go nuclear. Did you talk to her?”

“For the first time in my life. I listened and didn’t say a damn word.” I fidgeted with my glasses. “She came in, apologizing and telling me I was right all along.”

Alex smiled. “That’s good! Right?” She shrugged. “I mean, with you two, who the fuck knows what’s going on. You two dumbasses have been in love with each other longer than most relationships. I thought after the world died and all that hot pile of shit, you’d rush to each other and kiss and run off into whatever sunset you could find. Instead, it’s like watching a really infuriating TV show.” Alex huffed.

“I’m angry.” I frowned looking at my sister, bypassing the in love comment. If I couldn’t admit it to Lena, I sure wasn’t admitting it to anyone else. “I fought so hard for her, to show that yes, I made a mistake, but I wasn’t going anywhere. Nothing on my end changed. I still lov…cared for her. And she just stared at me with her cold glare and threw more daggers at me.”

“Yeah, well, unrequited love can go tits up after awhile.” She glanced over her shoulder at Nia wrapping Lena in a warm embrace. “You know how mom always told us to find someone who looks at us as if we’re the whole world and a little more? Even when they're angry, they will still look at you like you’re the only thing worth breathing for?”

I shrugged. “We’ve both heard how she met Jeremiah. She tells that story every Christmas and last week at his.” I paused swallowing hard. “His memorial.”

Alex grabbed both of my arms, squeezing in her sisterly I love you, way. “You ever stop and think in between the hurt and what you thought might be happening, what Lena actually thought, and looked in her eyes?” When I looked way, Alex chuckled. “That’s what I thought.” She moved, hugging me tightly. “Be angry. Be pissed off, because she has shit on you as much as you shit on her, but move past it. Tell her you love her. You both at least deserve something good in this fucked up world, even if it is three words and a few seconds of peace, take it, Kara. You deserve to be free.”

I swallowed hard, my eyes filling with tears as I tightened the hug. “Can you love someone when you’re mad at them?”

Alex leaned out of my arms. “I still love you, and you make me mad a few times a week.” She wiped the tears from my cheeks. “Alright, kid. I have to go dig out my best guns. Do your thing.”

I nodded with a smile, whispering a thank you.

I stood rooted in my spot, watching Alex smile at Lena and say her goodbyes. Lena walked towards the door, her head still tipped down. I turned to the window, trying my best not to listen to her heart and look her way. I didn’t want to crumble apart until I knew I could shake this anger, and still love her.

“Kara?”

I turned to Lena. “Mmm?” My voice failed me, my throat too tight with emotion I’d rather not have explode out of me.

“I’ll see you later? At the lab?” She had the smallest of smiles on her face. She, herself, looked smaller than ever before. Lena always carried herself with poise, strength, power. When she entered a room, she had the presence of a giant, and you unwillingly bowed to her. And I loved that about her. But now, I saw the pain in her eyes and sagging shoulders.

I nodded. “I’ll be there.”

“Okay.” She gave me a tight, polite smile, turned and walked out of my loft. In defeat.

As soon as the door clicked shut, I let out a breath and sat down on the arm of my couch. My heart was racing a thousand miles a minute, and I felt the weight settle in the pit of my stomach. I closed my eyes and saw Lena’s face when I opened the door, and just now when she walked away. The residual sadness that began showing it’s face after she killed her brother in the last world, had grown. It sat in heavy circles under eyes, the stillness of her smile, and thick walls she’d rebuilt around her. It was as if she was walking in a suit of armor and had no intentions of taking it off.

Until about twenty minutes ago.

I opened my eyes, looking at the door across my loft. And then my anger slowly faded away, as I thought about this past year. Lena had endured the same emotional roller coaster I had when I was sent to Earth. She lost so much of the world she knew. Like I had.

I shook my head, scooting to sit on the couch, leaning my elbows on my knees as the realization sunk in. How could I’ve been so stupid and blind? I acted the same way Lena was when I was taken to Midvale and shoved into a life I hated, a world I hated with a side of super powers. I turned angry, mean and cold. It took forever for me to trust Alex, Eliza, Jeremiah, and even longer to love them and trust them.

“Fuck.” I ran my hands through my hair, pulling out the ponytail and cursing Alex for ever teaching me that word, a word that felt so appropriate now. I never saw it. Too blind to be the hero and protect her, to see her and I were the same. Living a similar life with similar broken hearts. And it made sense why I was so drawn to her the second I laid eyes on her. Forget the remarkable beauty she is, it was her heart and the good she was hiding under her power suits and CEO tone. Where I was given a chance to thrive in a loving home, she was shoved into a cage and trained to be a Luthor. Never loved, never given warm hugs by an annoying sibling, and never had the chance to learn a life outside of trauma. 

My anger faded away, slowly replaced by the love for her. The overwhelming, unconditional, all-encompassing love I carried for her. The love I was fighting to ignore, standing in front of her revealing my true identity, hoping everything would be okay. Another sign I was beyond in love with her. I’d revealed my identity to many others as if I was asking for them to pass the salt. Throwing it out there in haste, but with Lena, I held it in. Letting it burn my heart every minute we grew closer. Using the excuse it was to protect her, which was half true. I was scared to lose her. If the world knew she knew who I was, well, I saw that in the alternate realities. And if Lena died.

I paused as the thought sent a sharp knife into my heart.

If Lena died.

The emotions consumed me, and the tears ran freely. I knew what it felt like in a world Lena died. It was as if all the air was taken away, and I couldn’t breathe. Living in shallow gasps and slow steps. And out of unconscious habit, my ears acted on their own and found her.

Her heart beating steadily, but slowly. She was sad.

I sat for a few more seconds, picking at a loose thread in my jeans until I accidentally tore it, tearing myself out of the haze I was simmering in. I stood up, brushing my hand down the newly formed hole. “Fuck it.” I walked over to the window, and took flight. Making a note to stop by Alex's and finally add my five dollars to the swear jar on her kitchen counter.

It’s not like I had anything left to lose now.

* * *

XXX

The evening sky had an amber glow as the sun began to set. I loved flying in the sky when it was a golden pink, it reminded me of spring days on Krypton. I took a moment, hovering right around Lena’s apartment, trying to collect myself before I went to her. I had no plan, I had no idea what I was going to say to her, and I was pretty sure I was going to blurt out I was in love with her. I just decided to stop overthinking and stop caring too much. Two things Alex had been fighting with me for years, but was consistently losing.

I took deep breaths of the cool air, letting it fill my lungs. It didn’t matter now. I had to move past this, in whatever direction, I couldn’t be angry forever. Maybe, at the end, we could try to be civil to each other. I wouldn’t know unless I tried.

I turned, moving to head towards her building when her heartbeat slipped up into the air with me. She was in the large park behind her building. The big fancy one reserved for the residents. She told me the only times she sat in the park was when she was very upset and wanted nothing more than to sit and listen to the trees.

I took a deep breath and aimed for the park.

I found her sitting under the massive maple tree, a book in her lap, her fingers tucked in a page as she stared out across the park.

I steeled myself and took a few steps closer. “I always wondered, how does one listen to the trees?”

Her heartbeat spiked at the sound of my voice, and she sat up straighter.

“It’s in the wind. The way the leaves flutter, the gentle creak as the branches shift and reach for the sun.” Lena paused. “It you stop, and just listen, they’ll tell you all their secrets.” Her voice trailed off at the end.

I stopped to stand next to her, glancing down at the book on her lap. It was a cheesy fantasy romance novel with a cover that made me think of her. I bought it and presented it to her at lunch as if I’d found the greatest treasure in the world. I often thought she shoved it on a shelf and let it collect dust, but the cover was creased and well worn, meaning it had been read more than twice. “Did you know I have to filter the sound of a tree’s roots growing out? When I was a kid, I could hear the oak tree in our yard grow every night. It was weird until I learned how trees on Earth grew, then I went home every night and sat next to the tree, talking to it.” I frowned. “I was a weird kid.”

“I used to talk to my neighbor’s dog, before I left my home for the Luthor’s. Honest, full blown conversations. I was certain he understood me.” Lena tilted her head towards me, but didn’t look at me. “It was the second worst goodbye I ever had to say. He was my only friend and I think the only one who understood my little kid gibberish.”

“What was his name?” I winced, good job staying tough, Kara. But dogs would always been my second greatest weakness. Well, maybe third, Lena had moved up in the last hour.

“Petey. He was a Scottish terrier. Handsome little devil.” Lena gave me a small smile, turning back to the tree. “Did you have more questions about the plan?”

“I’m still angry at you. Pissed off even, and I don’t know what to do with all of it. I don’t get pissed off, I don’t even like to say the word, and yet.” I ran a hand through my hair, smoothing out the tangles. “I look at you, and I’m so angry. About everything. The back and forth, the fighting, the things we’ve said to each other, and at the end you end up at my door, asking for forgiveness.”

“Kara, I…” She paused as her voice trembled.

“You never have to ask for forgiveness, just so you know. I will never not forgive you.” I huffed as my heart raced and I was picking up speed for a full out ramble. I glanced down, cursing how the amber light soaked into her hair and fell against her pale skin in away she looked ethereal. “Rao, you’re so beautiful.” I flinched as the words escaped like reckless inmates. “I’m angry at you. I fought so hard to make amends for lying to you, and it’s like you didn’t care. It felt like you took advantage of it and used my feelings…the way I care about you and asked me for things you knew I wouldn’t hesitate to give you. I tried, so hard, Lena. There’s so much good in you, and lately I’ve had to tell myself that, even as you pushed me away and break my heart a little more each day.” I tossed my hands up, walking closer to the tree. “I know I hurt you, broke a trust between us, and I will spend the rest of my life thinking about it. For all of my failures, hurting you sits pretty high at the top.” I looked at the tree. “Maybe it is all my fault, making choices for you. Or thinking I could keep the cape in the closet and away from this incredible thing I had in you.” I studied the trunk, tracing it to the ground, finding the tops of thick roots. “Then I gave up. I saw you’d never give me an inch or open the door a crack, and let me in. Forgive me and see that everything I do, I do for you and it was fear that led me to lie to you.” I blew out a laugh, shaking my head. “That fear grew when I saw the world without you in it. It was like losing…” I shook my head, closing my eyes to squeeze back the tears threatening to fall. I had opened the gates and the anger rushed out like a pulled plug, leaving me to wade in the ocean of love I had for Lena.

“Your whole world.” Lena’s voice barely made it to my ears. “It was like losing your whole world again.” She sniffled, and I glanced at her. Her cheeks were wet with tears and her eyes filled to the brim. “I’ve watched you a handful of times face death and get so close to the edge, I thought my heart would fall out of my chest. Then you’d bounce back with a smile and a few bruises, and immediately ask for me.”

I grimaced, making a note to kick Alex hard. Only she knew I’d always ask to see, or call, Lena whenever I woke up after a bad spill. I went to say something, when Lena shook her head. “Let me, before I lose whatever courage I have left.” She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. “It didn’t stick in my stubborn head until I saw you in your office, how much you’ve lost, and yet you give yourself over to all of us every day.” She paused, looking right in my eyes. “How much you love me.”

My eyes grew wide. “I, uh.” Then Alex’s voice poked in my brain, telling me to own up. I sighed, stepping closer to Lena. “Do you know how much I love you?”

Lena nodded. “Hopefully as much as I love you.” She gave me a weak smile. “If I still deserve any of that.”

I turned my head up towards the sky. “Yeah, but I’m in love with you, Lena. For years and that’s a lot of love to place in one person. I think I’ve only ever loved _you_ like this. I never understood the love in all of those romance movies I make you watch, until you. Now, I totally get it. The wiggle in my stomach, the way my heart squeezes whenever you smile at me, and the crazy need to always be near you. If I don’t talk to you for a whole day, I get grumpy and I thought it might be me being hungry.” I dropped my head down, sighing. “I hate that I can’t hug you, touch you, or text you the dog picture of the day. I miss our lunches, our talks, our walks to go get me a snack in the middle of the night. I just miss you, Lena.” I waved an hand in the air. “I’m rambling, but I need you to know how hard it was not to hug you in my loft and watch you walk out with your head down. When I all I wanted to do was hold you in my arms and tell you I will always love you, and only you, Lena. You stole my big stupid heart a long time ago, and it took my big stupid mind too long to figure out the funny feeling I always have around you.” I shook my head, crossing my arms as a weird shiver slipped down my spine.

A heavy silence filled the air, leaving the gentle breeze and the creak of roots in growing in the ground, between Lena and I. I shrugged after a moment. “Okay then. I’ll, um, I should probably go find Alex.” I took a step, turning to leave the park when a hand fell to my elbow, holding me still.

Lena had stood up at some point during my ramble and was now standing in front of me. Her throat bobbed before she spoke, her voice raspy at the start. “My life, well, let’s put it this way. My autobiography may have to be listed as a fantasy fiction, because who will ever believe me?” She smiled, taking a deep breath, biting her bottom lip. “Chapter one, I fell in love with a beautiful alien at first sight. Her name is Kara and she owns my heart, and soul.” She smiled as her hand slid from my elbow to my hand, her long fingers fitting perfectly between mine. “Chapter seventeen, I loved her so much, I panicked when she told me her biggest secret and became the biggest idiot.” Her thumb ran slow circles over my knuckles, melting me into a puddle with every pass. “Chapter nineteen through twenty, a lot of drama and foolishness. Chapter twenty two, our fallible hero realizes what she was about to lose and begs for forgiveness, asking the love of her life to forgive her.”

“Lena, I told you.”

She interrupted me, shaking her head before reaching up with her free hand to cup my cheek, pink from her words. “Chapter twenty three started at a low point, the hero fears she’s lost the love of her life without ever saying, Kara Danvers, I’ve loved you for years and will for every year ahead of us.” She sucked in a shaky breath. “I love you, Kara and I’m so sorry for everything. I never meant to hurt you, or lose you.” She ran her thumb along my cheek before resting it under my bottom lip, and in the smallest voice. “I know we can’t fix everything with apologizes and a kiss, like in your movies, but.”

I didn’t let her finish, cutting her off and kissing her. She flinched from surprise before kissing me back, her hand dropping mine to cup my other cheek and pull me deeper into the kiss. My hands fell to her hips as I felt her tongue run along my bottom lip, asking for more. My tongue met hers, and I had to fight from lifting her up to pull her legs around my waist. We kissed, hard, slow, passionate, loving and I finally understood the mythology of a first kiss, how powerful and consuming it could be. It helped the woman I was finally kissing, was equally as powerful and consuming.

Lena broke away, panting as she licked her lips and leaned her forehead against my shoulder. “Holy shit, that was.”

“Better than potstickers and pizza.” I breathed the words out, my body tingling like I’d just been struck by lightning. I pulled her into my arms, letting her settled her chin on my shoulder. “Why didn’t we do that sooner?”

“In my defense, I tried a few times, but you thought I was going for a hug.” Lena let out a slow breath, trying to calm her heart down. After a moment, she leaned back in my arms. “I love you, Kara. Forever. I’m done hiding and fighting my heart with my mind. It’s only ever been you, and you alone.”

I grinned, blushing at her words. “Forever is a long time for me. Are you sure?”

She nodded, leaning forward for a quick kiss. “Yes. Chapters twenty four through fifty will hopefully filled with stories of our life together. Awkward dates, first silly fight, moving in, and growing old together.” She met my eyes. “Just so you know, I was sitting with the tree, planning my next grand speech where I confessed my love to you over coffee and a box of doughnuts.”

I smirked. “I can always do that reverse time thing and have us start over. You do know how much I love doughnuts.”

Lena rolled her eyes, kissing the corner of my mouth. “I wouldn’t trade this moment for anything in the world.” She smiled, running her thumb over the spot she just kissed. “I know we have a lot to talk about, a lot to work through. But I’m here and I promise I’m done fighting the rest of the world, I want you, Kara. And that’s the only thing I’ll fight for, you.”

I nodded, holding her as I looked up at the sky. “We have nothing to hide, Lena. I want you too.” I let out a huge breath, uncertain what the future held for us. “And I wouldn’t trade this moment for anything else either. I love you, Lena Luthor.”

I grinned, burying my face in her shoulder as the last missing piece of my heart slid into place, locking Lena and I together forever.

I was in love, and she loved me back. Nothing could tear that away from me.

* * *

XXXX

Lena did write her autobiography, and as promised the last few chapters were about our relationship, our first dates, our engagement and finally our wedding. And as I sit next to her in our cottage in Ireland, I think of that day as I run my finger along the platinum wedding band she placed on my finger over six years ago. The day my anger gave me my greatest love. 


End file.
